Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.