Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
You Might Also Like
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Herpes is trending, good job people
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.