Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time
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good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Health officials: Don’t touch your face
Me, seconds later:
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW