@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

@fro_vo

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers