please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this


A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I’ve lost my balance.


her: my parents are gone πŸ˜‰

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last


Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.


Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute


shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot


Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.


ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon