Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
You Might Also Like
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
worst…sale…ever
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit