please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.


[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”


I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly


[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers