If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
sleeping beauty
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
i choose….tongue
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed