My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..