Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

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Sally: Mommy let’s play magical beautiful animals. This magic dust just turned me into a beautiful Unicorn named Rainbow Beauty!

Me: Ok cool! What did the magic dust turn me into?

Sally: A hippo. You don’t have a name.



I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”


the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again


[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?


My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.


my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*


Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid