Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.