Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes