I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops