Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
You Might Also Like
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?