Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Saturday
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
same energy
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.