Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
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-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“Why you watching this shit?”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
monday
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.