@TheAndrewNadeau

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

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@maurex23

[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”

@AmishPornStar1

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@notfolu

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

@AsgardianRose

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank