@TheAndrewNadeau

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

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@jollyrobber

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

@katlynmearns2

why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for

@threetimedaddy

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@Dutch_50

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@junejuly12

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

@VerifiedJayy

My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

@bea_ker

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@_troyjohnson

Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.