Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky


why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for


My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)


When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.


teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine


My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar


Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon


Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.