Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

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[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”


Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.


Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.


*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*


I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people


Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.


Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank