How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I bet birds love this building.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
boat question
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.