@AsgardianRose

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

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@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper

@abbiehive

Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there

@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

@ajax06

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@thatUPSdude

Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.

@okiecorri

kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts

dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids

kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata