I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper
Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there
It has been
2?4? 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.
kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts
dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids
kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata