Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.