Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper


Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there



It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.


I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.


Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.


7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*


Me: Right. Of course.


Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.


kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts

dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids

kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata