Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.

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Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.


Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch


Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead


It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”


I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.


Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.


I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.

– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart


I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa Marรญa only to find Dora had already explored America.