her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Got ya covered
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.