Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
i- i did not expect this
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids