@glamoureptile

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

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@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

@UrplePingo

In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]