@glamoureptile

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

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@Six_Pack_Mom

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*

@ObsKenobs

Vader: *waiting in Death Star hallway*

Vader: *tries a cool lean against the wall*

Vader: *fiddles with the lighting*

Vader: *tries a different cool lean*

Vader: *stretches*

Vader: *some real good kicks*

Obi-Wan: *enters hallway*

Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.

@Trudacious

Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10