please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks


In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.


Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.


I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]