please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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Breaking news:
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?