Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
why would tinder want me to say this
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.