@Vice_Queen

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

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@david8hughes

[Joseph & Mary answers door to god]
“Mary, you’re looking well.”
[Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow]
“Jesus, your dad’s here.”

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

@drinksmcgee

I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781