“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.