Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.