the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
All you need is love.
and health insurance.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.