Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again


to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked


A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.


[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass


shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob


shaggy: scoob?


I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.


I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.


*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*


“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard