@itsmebeegee07

Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

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@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@iwearaonesie

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@krisv_723

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

@better_off_dad

All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.

@bonehugsnirony

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@erichwithach

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.