WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard