Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Never be a pizza!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Jesus Christ lmao
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.