please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.


{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi


hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either


You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.


I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.


My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.