@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

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@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

@Cpin42

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

@DanielJHannan

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@squirrel74wkgn

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

@PatsATweetin

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@BruceForce

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95