Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes


My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.


Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?


My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!


GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life’s mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you.

ME: voicemail? ugh


Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”


My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop