doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
her: I named my baby Susan
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95