@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

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@DennysDiner

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

@TheAndrewNadeau

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

@Manali_Shetye5

Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?

@jellybnbonanza

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

@markedly

GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life’s mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you.

ME: voicemail? ugh

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

@AnOrangeSNES

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop