Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
New tinder profile pic
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster