Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
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My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: I have to lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.
Me: Is that cake?
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life’s mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you.
ME: voicemail? ugh
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
NARRATOR: I did not stop