Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another


I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater


Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.


surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke


A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.


[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?


Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you


Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95