You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.