I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee thatâs aâŚ
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.