I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”