Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*plot gets twisted.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
What’s that, turkey?
Timmy fell in a well?
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”