@Hemant_i_am

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

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@Browtweaten

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@PaperWash

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

@saltymamas

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@beefman138

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

@TweetPotato314

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”