Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Computer: Choose a password.
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..
getting animal crossing for my mom is the best thing i’ve ever done
He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.