@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

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@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

@MissHavisham

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

@Daveastated

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@duplicitron

I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.

@Crap_Advisor

I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

@zeugirdorej

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.