Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“no gods no masters” = leo
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.