Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
me doing my best
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Every work call, he judges.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*