Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You Might Also Like
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
nature’s most graceful animal
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay