Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.