Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
You Might Also Like
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
😂😂
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.