Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
#ProTip
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Carpe DM
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud