Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
You Might Also Like
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Just why bro?!
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.