Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.