@Sheginger

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

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@LaziestCanine

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out

@Cpin42

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@Shenaniglenns

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

@thenatewolf

I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.

@JohnLyonTweets

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.