I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
Maury is the father.
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.