Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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A leaf blower, but for people.
My body language is more audible than visual.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song