@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

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@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

@junejuly12

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song