@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

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@josePhDhoran

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

@FlyoverJoel

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

@VanVeenB

If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@RealCarlHardt

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

@Molly_Kats

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

@GypsyWingss

Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night

Me: you’re the one friggen talking to birds

@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.

@ConanOBrien

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?