I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You Might Also Like
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.