@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

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@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@Jim_Capie

Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!

@SarcasticAlly12

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

@SortaBad

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@Cheeseboy22

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.