@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

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@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

@Ciara_Knight

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

@TheSofiya

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

@Marcmywords2

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

@joshgondelman

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

@toujours_fab

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.