My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You Might Also Like
I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.
The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.