plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”