Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Okey dokey.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
For those that worship cheese..
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.