@dave_cactus

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

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@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

@TheBoydP

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

@MissHavisham

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?