photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩