Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school