How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.