PLOT TWIST:
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
brian had himself a morning…
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing