*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..