Well. That’s not a good sign.
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating