@cheeky__gal

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

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@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

@Jennuflect

[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

@djdarrellripley

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@Nazeefah

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@girlontapas

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

@InternetHippo

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business