Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.


[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms


All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.


My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.


Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.


My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.


if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business