Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?