@BriarSlyMadness

PLOT TWIST:

MARIJUANA is the drug against wars.

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@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@UncleDuke1969

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

@POTerritory

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

@WigCannon

before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do

@Mr_Kapowski

[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@dumbbeezie

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment