Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Lmbo
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)