*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Always
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.